It introduces our need to:
1. Believe that God can use our parents flaws for our good (Romans 8:28).
2. Judge ourselves before judging our parents (Matthew 7:1-4).
3. Forgive our parents (Ephesians 4:31-32).
4. Honor parents out of respect for God's commands (Ephesians 6:2-3).
When God says we should honor our parents, He sets a high standard.
2. Judge ourselves before judging our parents (Matthew 7:1-4).
3. Forgive our parents (Ephesians 4:31-32).
4. Honor parents out of respect for God's commands (Ephesians 6:2-3).
When God says we should honor our parents, He sets a high standard.
If your parents are truly abusive, God will give you safe ways to honor them. But most people who describe their parents as toxic and abusive are actually just dealing with normal relationship challenges which God expects us to handle graciously and biblically.
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Bible Study
Some parents are especially evil and God will give you wisdom about honoring them in ways that do not harm you physically or emotionally. But those cases are rare. All parents are imperfect and some are annoying, but God expects us to honor them regardless of their imperfections. As we deal Biblically with our parents, we learn trust, grace, and forgiveness.
Perhaps our greatest sin as adult children is harshly judging our parents while excusing our disobedience to God's Fifth Command.
Matthew 7:1-5: “Do not judge [your parents], and you will not be judged. 2 For you will be treated as you treat [your parents]. The standard you use in judging [your parents] is the standard by which you will be judged. 3 “And why worry about a speck in your [parents' eyes] when you have a log in your own? 4 How can you think of saying to your [parents], ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? 5 Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your [parents' eyes]." (NLT)
For better understanding of this passage, read "Do Not Judge"
1. Have you ever taken time to carefully examine your actions and attitudes toward your parents, both when you were living in their home and as an adult? Have you ever asked their forgiveness for being ungrateful or disrespectful or inconsiderate?
2. Think about the last time you spoke to your parents: If someone witnessed that conversation, would they describe you as respectful, grateful, helpful, and considerate?
Philippians 2:3-4: Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others [this includes your parents] above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.
Philippians 2:3-4: Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others [this includes your parents] above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.
3. Have you ever studied the word "honor" used in the original Fifth Commandment command? Dennis Rainey explains it below:
In the original Hebrew language, the word for honor meant "heavy" or "weight." ... "I weigh you down with respect and prestige. I place upon you great worth and value."
~ Dennis Rainey, The Tribute
Matthew 15:3-9: "Jesus replied, “And why do you, by your traditions, violate the direct commandments of God? 4 For instance, God says, ‘Honor your father and mother,’ and ‘Anyone who speaks disrespectfully of father or mother must be put to death.’ 5 But you say it is all right for people to say to their parents, ‘Sorry, I can’t help you. For I have vowed to give to God what I would have given to you.’ 6 In this way, you say they don’t need to honor their parents. And so you cancel the word of God for the sake of your own tradition. 7 You hypocrites! Isaiah was right when he prophesied about you, for he wrote, 8 ‘These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. 9 Their worship is a farce, for they teach man-made ideas as commands from God.’”
This passage talks of helping parents in need, but Jesus quotes the command which describes our duty to our parents as "honor." Honor includes helping parents in need, but it goes far beyond that.
God uses our relationship with our parents to teach us about our relationship with Him:
Hebrews 12:7-10; Luke 11:11-13; 1 John 3:1; Hebrews 12:14-15).
Our perfect Father commands us to honor our imperfect parents, not because they necessarily deserve honor but because He does!
Our perfect Father commands us to honor our imperfect parents, not because they necessarily deserve honor but because He does!
If your parents are especially difficult, I encourage you to read We Can Be Victims or Victors.
If you have cut off contact with your parents as advised by some psychological teachings such as "Boundaries," please read about the errors of these teachings in the Boundaries Collection. These teachings offer a quick fix that contradicts Scripture, inspires selfishness, and worsens problems.
copyright, Gail Burton Purath, BiteSizeBibleStudy.com, updated and edited in 2020.
All Scripture linked
God was just speaking some of this to me this morning. He is helping me let go of their weaknesses and helping me to grow up, not that he is saying this in a scolding way but in a way that says, "you can and are doing it and I am proud of you." 43 year old mom of 4.
ReplyDeleteThat blesses me to hear.
DeleteIn the same way, God spoke these truths to me.
May He continue to guide you in your relationship with your parents.
I asked God one day, "How do you honor a father who walks out on you?" His showed a women in the church choir my pain and she came over and let me know that He heard me and that I honor him by forgiving him. Doing genealogy, I have learned that my dad couldn't love me the way he should have because he was never shown or taught how to. My mom has had to love us kids for the both of them. I have since gone to see my father (after not seeing him for 26 years) and I told him that I forgave him.
ReplyDeleteYou have chosen the same path of healing and turning towards God that I have. When I realized I held her above my own husband and children, and God Himself, all because I was afraid of displeasing her and her demands, entitlements to me, I let go of her after she refused to respect healthy boundaries. She rejected me three times, and psychologically abused me and my family. I am much healthier living her from afar. I pray for her, and have finally started living my life the way I feel God is calling me to. I am finally living my vocation as wife.
ReplyDeleteIn response to these comments about boundaries and cutting off contact to heal, I encourage you to check out the Bible Love Notes collection which reviews the principles of the Boundaries teachings and cutting off contact with parents. These methods may bring temporary relief, but they are not the biblical response to difficult family relationships.
ReplyDeleteTo read about the many errors in Boundaries teachings, please copy and paste this link:
https://biblelovenotes.blogspot.com/2011/01/are-boundaries-biblical-collection.html
Gail Purath, author of this study
I am one of those parents. My 3 children have logs in their eye's. They have never forgiven me for committing adultery on their father and divorcing him, some 30 years ago. I have 9 grandchildren I don't even know.,.Even after so long my children are estranged from me. I let it go after trying on.my own to fix it and failure every time. I finally give it to God in prayer and enough faith to leave it there. I'm happy now because I know God has this. I choose to live my life.
ReplyDeleteDear Ellen, I'm sorry for your situation. If you have repented of your adultery and asked your children's forgiveness and God's forgiveness, that's all that you can do. I pray that they will forgive you because their unforgiveness will hurt them as well as hurting you.
DeleteI have been not only completely shutout and shunned by my only biological adult son whom I raised as a single, unwed 17yr. Old and for 30 years thought we had an incredibly strong and healthy bond. This shunning was abrupt and came with extreme abusive behavior and actions on his part and has left me shattered into a trillion pieces of anguish, self-doubt, anger and utter heartbreak. Was I a perfect parent? Hardly. Was I abusive? Absolutely not. Was I neglectful? I'd say not even slightly, although I did work full time, sometimes two jobs, and put myself through college to make sure his life was better than the average child of a teenager. I still managed to be the team mom for his football team, the parent volunteer in classrooms and on field trips. I've championed him and stood before him during trials and tribulations in his childhood and have forever and will forever do whatever I have to do to keep him safe. I've been brutally honest, perhaps that's the issue, but I did not shield him from life lessons he needed to learn on his own (only shielded the lessons that would create harm not growth). I have tried in numerous ways to reopen the lines of communication but he either ignores, spreads a little trail of meaningless hope, or slams the door shut on me. His shunning of me has included outright acts of aggression and threats to my safety (he invited his 26yr incarcerated for murder absent father, recently released) to my home to get his belongings, knowing I would be uncomfortable and alone. So how do I fix this?
ReplyDeleteDear Stevie, I'm so sorry about your situation. It definitely sounds heart-breaking, and I'm hearing more and more stories like yours as our culture declines. I want to encourage you to find a mature Christian woman in your area who can pray with you and give you personal advice. I think that's so important. I've prayed for you and for your situation, and I've prayed you will be able to connect with someone who can help you walk through this situation biblically and safely.
DeleteWhat exactly is the parent's biblical responsibility to their children? I'm 60, and my mother cut me off from my family, (herself, my father, and 2 younger sister's) nearly 30 years ago, because I was divorced. My youngest sister and I continued to be close, but she eventually removed herself from the family. We were physically, emotionally and mentally abused by our mother. When my youngest sister lost her only child in a car accident at 16 in the month of February, by December my mother accused her of ruining Christmas because she wasn't all jolly.
ReplyDeleteMy sister and I have had many discussions about whether or not we're honoring our parent's, but when does their obligation to their children come into play? We both pray for them, and try not to speak ill of them, but it's also not healthy for us to have contact with our mother, and our Dad goes along with what she says.
Hi Anonymous
DeleteI am not in a position to give you advice for your particular situation, but cutting off parents is rarely the right answer. It's usually a form of unforgiveness more than a real need to protect oneself. If we ask God's help and give it our best, we can usually learn how to deal with difficult parents without cutting them off.
And I'm a little confused by your explanation. If your parents cut you off 30 years ago, are they wanting contact with you now? And if you found it offensive for them to cut you off, why do you feel it's okay to cut them off? Very often, cutting a parent off is a form of revenge, not actually a necessity.
I also hear so many people speak of "abuse" when it isn't actually abuse. Instead of abuse it's simply rude, selfish, or annoying behavior and those who cut off contact with such people usually never mature themselves and end up becoming rude, selfish, and annoying themselves. With God's help, we can deal with rude people without becoming rude. We can deal with manipulative people without being manipulated and without becoming manipulative. And cutting people of is definitely a manipulative behavior.
If your mother genuinely threatens your life or tries to physically harm you, you should protect yourself. But, if you are exaggerating about the physical abuse, I hope you will see that your attitude is as much a problem as your parent's attitudes.
I am the anonymous you replied to on January 7th, 2025. I chose to ignore your reply, until I just received notice of your most recent reply to HallMomma5. She was right. You are incredibly dismissive, and I'd go further to say you are very judgemental and condescending to situations of which you know nothing about.
DeleteIn your reply to me, you actually victim shamed me. You literally dismissed my claims of abuse! I know whether or not I've been abused! Did you think it was okay for my mother to ostracize me from the family for being divorced, going on nearly 30 years now?! I did not have to give you clear cut personal and painful examples, but since you want to doubt other people's experiences, here are some for you. My mother used to back us into a corner by the stove and beat us in the head with her closed fists if we didn't get on the honor roll! She used to claw our arms until they bled with scratches for the smallest infractions! I'd have to wear long sleeves to school to cover them! We were called names, put down, and we'd have our dirty laundry thrown at us on laundry day, every Thursday, while she screamed in our faces because we used too much laundry that week! I could go on and on! Did you not read the part where I said my sister's only child died and in a few short months, because she didn't get over it and move on by Christmas time, she was told she was ruining the holiday? You think that is a "Christian" response to my sister on our mother's part? Is the way she terrorized us for years the way a Christian parent should act?! We would throw up on the bus and physically shake on the way home on report card day because we'd be so afraid of what was about to happen! When I finally made the B honor roll, she threw my report card at me and said, "maybe next time it will be the A honor roll"! I wanted to kill myself because it was such a horrible way to live, but I was afraid if I didn't succeed, I'd be in even more trouble!
You said, "I'm a little confused by your explanation. If your parents cut you off 30 years ago, are they wanting contact with you now? And if you found it offensive for them to cut you off, why do you feel it's okay to cut them off?". No, my selfish mother doesn't want, nor has she tried to contact either my sister nor myself! She even knew I had cancer years ago and didn't care! Of course I thought it was horrible of her to cut me off! Your comment of "why do you feel it's okay to cut them off" is disgusting! You expect us to continue to have contact with our abuser, if she wanted contact?! I pray you are not a counselor of any kind, because abuse victims do not need your idea of counseling. Your words cut through me and put me right back in that house with her, shaking again, as I read what you wrote!
It appears you just want to be right about everything. I am at a loss as to why any woman, (are you a mother?) would poopoo another woman's experiences with abuse! A true Christian would be pained by someone else's sharing of abuse and what they've gone through. When someone shares their pain with me, my soul aches for them. It's what THEY feel THEY experienced! It is not up to me to judge whether I think what they experienced is abuse, and its not your place to do so either, but you seem to freely do it here. Shame on you for your unchristian mistreatment and judgement of other's. Your kind of discussion just brings more pain and shame to victims. Do better!
Dear Anonymous,
DeleteIn your first comment, you asked me a question, and I started by saying I could not give you specific advice. But I asked you some pertinent questions and I asked you about some of your statements which were not clear. And I gave you some biblical principles about cutting off people and honoring parents and told you how they apply. And I ended by saying that if you were genuinely suffering abuse, you should protect yourself.
But in this comment, you make it clear that you didn't want me to answer your question. You wanted me to affirm you without knowing the facts. And since I didn't do that, you've written this long rude, self-righteous attack on me.
You accuse me of "victim shaming" making it clear that you define victim shaming as someone not agreeing with you and not affirming you even when they don't know the facts.
I don't know how you treat your parents, but I know how you've treated me, and it reveals a great deal about you.
You can play the victim and accuse everyone of victimizing you, dear anonymous, but I pray that you come to know the real Jesus who teaches us to deny ourselves, admit our sins, and treat people graciously.
For those who are learning from this comment stream, I received another self-righteous mean-spirited letter from anonymous, but I did not publish it. Nor will I publish any others she sends unless they are apologetic.
DeleteThis latest one was basically the same as her previous comment except meaner, judging my character, my faith, my parenting, my attitudes, saying I exhibited the worst Christian behavior she'd ever seen.
I don't think she realizes how much she is revealing about her character and attitudes in these comments. If I'm the worst, that shows you how she judges her mother and others. And she did the one thing I so often find in harsh, judgmental comments: While flooding her comments with harsh judgements, she claimed it's not our place to judge others. I guess that doesn't include her mom or me.
I get the premise of this article but find it to be quite dismissive towards people who have suffered severe abuse from thier parents. This article come from someone who clearly has lived a blessed life and sees the world through rose colored glasses. For many people abuse is a very real part of their story and they would have chosen to have a family over not. Most grown adults do not go no contact without good reason, not a lack of maturity or relational challenges, but because of something much deaper. I would argue that situation is much more unlikely than someone who has been abused. People rarely leave relationships where they feel seen, heard, understood, valued, free, honored ect...
ReplyDeleteYou wrote: “I get the premise of this article but find it to be quite dismissive towards people who have suffered severe abuse from thier parents.”
DeleteMy response: In the first sentence of this Bible study, I encourage readers to read the introduction “Let’s Grow Up.” That devotion takes about 1-minute to read, and it includes this paragraph: “Note: This devotion does not address children who have been physically or sexually abused by parents. They must seek godly Christian counsel in handling their relationship with their parents.”
In addition, this Bible study includes this sentence: “If your parents are truly abusive, God will give you safe ways to honor them.”
You wrote: “This article come from someone who clearly has lived a blessed life and sees the world through rose colored glasses.”
My response: I would call your statement dismissive and judgmental and a bit rude. If you knew my situation, you would feel ashamed for saying that. I’m not going to share things about my family on my blog, but I definitely have experience dealing with difficult family members and I have seen Romans 8:28 benefits in my life even when situations don’t improve. Cutting people off – except for genuine safety reasons – is one reason so few adults know how to deal with difficulties.
There are times when you may need to set up guidelines in relationships that involve genuine mistreatment. But you will never find support in God’s Word for cutting off family members without giving them hope of reconciliation and being willing to deal with disagreements.
You wrote: For many people abuse is a very real part of their story and they would have chosen to have a family over not.
My response: I know people personally who have dealt with much worse mistreatment than me and they handled it biblically. One of my friends was repeatedly raped as a teenager by her father but when she became an adult and a Christian, she respectfully told him that what he had done was wrong and even though he didn’t respond or apologize, she forgave him. When he died, she had no regrets. She had returned good for evil without putting herself in harm’s way.
You wrote: “Most grown adults do not go no contact without good reason, not a lack of maturity or relational challenges, but because of something much deaper. I would argue that situation is much more unlikely than someone who has been abused. People rarely leave relationships where they feel seen, heard, understood, valued, free, honored ect...”
My response: You need to do some research. Studies show that 25% of parents and adult children are estranged and the estrangement is most often the choice of the adult children. I hear regularly from Christian parents whose children cut them off because they dare to correct them or dare to disagree with them. I cover this topic in my book which comes out in a few months called Lies in Disguise because claiming that adult children’s lives have gotten harder and parents have gotten more ungodly in the last 20-30 years is definitely a lie in disguise. The book Boundaries has been a best-selling book ever since it came out and it’s popularity continues to grow because it misuses Scripture to claim that we should cut off any parent who doesn’t make us feel good about ourselves.
If feeling good about ourselves is our highest goal, we’ll end up with lots of broken relationships. The Christian’s goal should be obeying God even when it’s hard, denying ourselves, and obeying God’s commands because they enrich our lives even when they are hard.